Bad Dreams & Breakfast

As I've said in the past, sleep is an issue for me. So much so that my great desire for a second child is probably never going to happen because of my fear of sleep deprivation. I was trying a few weeks ago to explain it to a friend. I need about 2 hours to wind down before my body can sleep, and once asleep, if I wake, the process begins again. That would be fine if I rarely woke at night, but I'm a very light sleeper. The slightest noise, vibration, or light will have me awake. Always have been. As a teen my parents gave me the basement of the house as my bedroom when I became too old to share a room with my kid sister. The boiler room was down there. Between the sound of the heater kicking on and off and the settling of the house, I slept an average of maybe 3 hours a night. I remember nights of roaming my parents house. You'd think I'd have the presence of mind back then to simply go to sleep on the couch, but for some reason I never did.

Anyway, back to the present. Kai and I have been home for a week and a half during the holidays. During a regular week we get home by 6:00, eat dinner, relax for half and hour or so, then get ready for bed, read books and I pack him off to sleep by the latest 9:00 so I can hopefully begin my own wind down by 10:00, falling to sleep if I'm lucky by 11:00 and hopefully not wake up till 6:00 when he gets in to my bed to nurse. I sleep in a pitch black room with ear plugs or white noise running in the background. Anything else and I'm doomed. Now that we're home for a while our sleep habits have gotten lax, so last night, realizing that work and school were beginning again in a few days and we needed to get back on schedule, I got him to bed by 8:00 (after wearing him out with a trip to the city and a roam around Chinatown), and got myself to sleep by 11:00. Woo Hoo! Good job!

Right.

At 12:30 am, someone from Chandler AZ (whomever it is at work who has my personal cell programmed in to your phone, I will find you! you must pay!) paged my cell phone which was plugged in and charging on my night stand. The thing was set to vibrate. This tiny vibration coming from my night stand every 5 minutes to let me know that I had a text message on my cell phone transformed itself in to the most disturbing dream I've had in years. I dreamt that there were leeches in my bed, only my blanket was the floor and the leeches were crawling all over everything. When I went to inspect where the leeches had come from, I found a huge, grotesquely mutated, silver fish with a gaping mouth in my salt water fish tank, one by one attacking and killing my fish and piling them in a small cup. My poor clown and puffer fish were lying limp over the side of the cup while the demon silver gulping fish banged it's head on the glass every 5 minutes or so. So I asked someone about it (don't remember who) and it seems that the fish had been put in an old planter pot where mosquitoes had been breeding, so in actuality the fish and the red leeches that were crawling all over everything were the mutated babies of the fish and the mosquito larvae. Makes perfect sense to me!

All of this from the teeny weeny little vibration coming from my end table because someone from Chandler AZ accidentally paged me on my cell phone somewhere in the middle of the night while probably out at a party or a bar or something horrendously fun that I don't do. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Needless to say, I was half awake, half asleep all night, semi-conscious of what was going on but desperately trying not to come in to full wakefulness knowing that if I did it would be 2 hours before I could possibly entertain sleeping again only to be woken up a half and hour later by the lactose vampire, so I slept, dreaming about crawling leeches, gulping mutated silver fish, and breeding mosquito larvae.

At 6:00 am like clockwork the vampire staggers blindly in to my room like a mole, attached himself to me, nursed for half and hour, put on the TV, then left to roam the house. I rolled over and went back to sleep having finally turned off the phone.

At 9:30 am I got out of bed. This is where it gets funny.

Kai has been making his own breakfast for a year now. It's not too hard. He opens the fridge, grabs a yo-baby drink, brings it to me to open, then pours himself some cheerios with milk, or grabs a yogurt and a roll. He's easy and I never actually taught him any of this. He's just Mr. independence and refuses to wait for me for anything which in the instance of breakfast is bliss, but not always. Anyway I digress. Lately though his palate has been broadening again. As I've said over and over again, he's a garbage disposal. You never see him unless he's got 2 hands full of something heading for his mouth. He'll try any food, and even if he doesn't like it, will try it a second time to be sure. He loves flavors and experimentation with food. It's actually pretty cool. He's a hell of a lot braver than I am when it comes to eating.

This morning I get out of bed to find an experiment in the making. Kai is sitting up on the barstool next to the counter. He's got a bowl full of breakfast rolls (about 5 or 6 of them actually all packed in to the bowl), a hard boiled egg, peeled, shells neatly piled to the side on the counter. He's holding a HUGE jar of Romano cheese, about to pour it all over the rolls and egg. I walk in just as he's about to start pouring. He stops, cheese bottle mid-air, looks at me and says, "I like stinky cheese Mama! I want to see what it tastes like!" To which I quickly grabbed 4 of the 5 rolls, popped them back in to the bag, and helped him pour without dumping the entire content of the bottle all over the counter, then went to make my tea, all the while gagging privately as I watched him out of the corner of my eye happily eat his egg, rolling it around in the Romano, and squish it inside the roll. Oh it was so disgusting but hey, nutritious right? He'd even gone so far as to pour himself a cup of milk so how was I to argue. He sat there MMMing and making all sorts of yummy noises.

Ah well. At least someone got something out of that misplaced call in the middle of the night.

Bill Maher aime les Français

A Sudden Passion for Tighty Whiteys

OK. Through out my dating life I've always had that initial, "Ewwww" if ever I saw a guy in tighty whiteys. I mean come on! What are they about? I could not for the life of me comprehend why a man would wear such horrendously unsexy repellant underpants, and shiver when the bleating response came back at me, "but they're comfortable!"

I have now fallen in love with the image of a scampering little tushy in tighty whiteys. Kai has been running around the house all day in just his underpants. No Sponge Bob today. No Spider Man or Shrek. Just plain old tighty whiteys and oh my! He's just so cute! His tushy looks so teeny and bright with his skinny little legs and belly popping out over the waist band, underpants drooping in the back. Sigh. It's sort of like having the old 1960's Pillsbury Dough Boy in my house, only cuter. Oh my!

The Story of Stuff

Twisted Little Control Issue

I just got Kai in to bed, his own bed, at a reasonable hour, for the first time in over a week. Probably closer to 3 weeks to be honest. While we've been sick he's found his way back to my bed. I even reinstalled the bed rail on "his" side of the bed after he almost threw himself off the bed in a fevered delusion the other night.

I'm getting off track.

Now that he's sick and I'm not, he's focused on a particular little control issue to flex his 3 year old muscles over Mama. He won't wipe his own nose. I'm not saying that he's refusing to have his nose wiped. NOOOO!!!! His nose is running like a faucet. Long yellow, gooey masses of disgusting mucous every 2 minutes or so pouring out of his face for 3 days. His issue isn't that he doesn't want his nose wiped. On the contrary. He's following me around with a box of tissues wailing, "Mama! Boogies!" I can have my hands full, and he's refusing to wipe his own nose. I could be on the toilet and he won't wipe his own nose. He'll hand me to box of tissues and go, "Nooooo Mama! I want you to do it!" 3 days, every 2 minutes or so, and we haven't seen the outside of this apartment in 3 weeks. Does anyone want a little boy? At one point I couldn't drop what I was doing to wipe it for him and he had to wait a minute or two for me while I sat there trying to reason with him from the other room asking him why he couldn't just wipe his own nose just this once. By the time I got to him his face was covered. It was just beyond disgusting. It's not that he can't wipe his own nose. He's been doing that for a year and a half now. He can even blow his own darn nose. Somewhere in the past 2 days he decided that, as he puts it, it's my "job". "Mama. You doooo it. It's Yooooure joooobbb!"

I think I'm going to be thankful when I get to go back to work at this point. I'm going to get to my office, cling to my desk, and kiss my keyboard next week.

Happy -- Vancouver Film School (VFS)

Kai thinks this is funny as hell.

Me Kai! You Mama! Remote Mine!

My child came home today, put on the TV, and discovered Football! FOOTBALL OF ALL THINGS!

He sat there enthralled yelling, "Mama, that man caught the ball and the other man jumped on him and knocked him down! This is so cool!"

I am happily unwed because of just this reason and I now have a 3 year old cro-mag who wouldn't give up the TV remote.

Dupleggcated

Score One for Mom and the Monster!

We've got one wily monster over here!

He must have known that Mama doesn't allow candy. When Kai woke up this morning the box was closed again, but this time when he opened it there was a note in it with "KAI" inside a heart...AND...3 BIG, juicy, gummy bugs! Oh my goodness!

At 6:00 this morning Kai came running in to my room, box in hand, yelling, "Mama! Mama! The monster was here!" When he showed me what the monster had left him I scowled in absolute disapproval at the contents of the box. Kai looked sad. He said to me, "...but I'm not allowed to have candy." "No." I said. "You're not." Then Kai said, "...but Mama. It was a present. He might be sad if I don't eat his present." To which I responded, "Well. That must be a wily monster. I'll bet he knows you're not allowed to have candy! He left you some because he knows that I HAVE to let you eat it now. Well, I suppose you should eat it to let the monster know you like him."

Kai hesitated, big goofy smile on his face. It was pretty obvious that he didn't think he'd win this argument with such a lack of resistance. He popped one gummy grub in his mouth and bit down on the disgusting, gooey, squishy, sweet, and sour, yellow thing. I haven't actually seen the look that spread across his face since he was 6 months old and I introduced him to his first taste of bananas. It was a slow dawning of bliss and discovery. Texture, taste, and a partial revulsion for the ick factor, making the eating of a gooey bug sensational. I asked him, "Is it good?" to which he replied by popping one in my mouth, "Here Mama. We have to share!" and emphatically shaking his head "YES!"

Score one for the monster.

Score another half a point for Mama too...

Monster Trap Night Two

So tonight the monster trap has Swiss cheese and a chocolate truffle. Kai decided that we needed to give the monster the truffle because he feels bad that the monster is scared of him. Sigh. My sister made some great suggestions about how to make this fun again so I'm going to try it.

He was so exhausted tonight. Fell asleep on his own. His sleep patterns have been totally haywire the past 2 - 3 weeks. Mine as well. I've been going through a very rough reorganization at work. It's been very stressful. Added to that I'm traveling on business alone without him for the first time. We've never been separated before. It's all just made for a lot of stress that he's picked up on translating in to him not going to bed until 10:00 at night, even later a few times. He's used to going to bed at 8:00 every night so this has been extreme. He's just been a train wreck. Anyway, we've been getting back to a normal sleep schedule and he's feeling better but this monster catching thing has really grabbed him for some reason. I think he's lonely. He woke up this morning and told me he didn't want to die like his grandfather. Sigh.

I'm going to see if I can put together something exciting for him to find in the monster trap tomorrow to cheer him up about the fact that there won't be a monster in there in the morning.

Monster Trap Post Mortem

Oh no!

Kai woke up at 5:00 this morning and climbed in to bed with me. He'd forgotten about the monster trap so when I asked him about it he got the flash light and went to go look. The box was closed. He got a little scared :( I opened the box. When he saw that it was empty, no cheese, no monster, he almost started crying! He was devastated that the monster came, ate his cheese, and never woke him up to play with him. OMG! Talk about something fun back firing. Then he began talking about how maybe the monster is afraid of him and how we need to put out more cheese so he can stay up and talk to the monster when it comes and tell it that it shouldn't be afraid of him so it will play with him. Sigh. I'm not sure if continuing with this is a good thing or not. He was so sad.

Building a Monster Trap

So after reading the book The Monster Trap for the billionth time tonight, Kai decided he wanted to catch a monster. Since we KNOW that monsters LOVE stinky things, we got a box and put a big slab of Swiss cheese in it. We put the box on his computer desk across from his bed (and may I say it stank! I could smell it from my room and the dog was doing everything in her power to get it). Kai then proceeded to tell me everything he wanted to do with the monster when it showed up. He was so hopeful! Kept talking about hoping a monster comes to visit. Said that the monster would knock on the door and he would play with his trains with it when it came. I feel like we're having our first tooth fairy moment ;^) Needless to say, I gave the dog the cheese when Kai fell asleep. I'm sure we'll be talking about it tomorrow.

Click To Play

Worshiping an Aged Venus... or so i thought...

As he always does like clockwork every morning, Kai climbed in to bed yesterday at 6:00 A.M. and attached himself to me to nurse. Having limited defenses at this early hour. (being a raving insomniac), I have as yet to figure out how to wean him in the mornings and instead roll over to snuggle him while I try to sleep through the intrusion.

This morning however, about 5 minutes in to nursing, Kai detaches, reaches out and embraces me with 2 chubby hands and sighs, "So Beautiful!"

Stunned, being half awake to begin with and overwhelmed with emotion at what my beloved son just did I foolishly asked (as if I haven't learned my lesson by now to just accept these little pearls as gifts and simply not question them...), "What did you say baby?"

Kai smiles, sighs, and says, "The boobies are so beautiful!" then latches on again and proceeds to nurse for a half hour straight.

Big Boy Underpants Post Mortem...

It would seem that in light of recent events, specifically being that of potty training, Kai has decided that there are other benefits that should go along with his new "Big Boy" status.

The day after he slept through the night without a pull-up on, Kai addressed me very seriously and said, "Mama. I'm a big boy now. Now I can drive the car."

I'm still working my way out of this conversation however the fact that his feet don't reach the pedals seems to be stumping him so far from finding a reasonable rebuttal to my outright NO.

Big Boy Underpants!

On the heels of a week long zealous series of discussions amongst all my mom friends, (single and married alike) about potty training (as all of our kids are nearing 3, the age where the world tells us our kids had better be potty trained or else we're somehow deficient mommies), Kai just up and decided to potty train himself completely. I had nothing to do with it. He decided he'd had enough of pull ups and wanted to be free of them. Go figure.

After all the hubbub, theories, book reading, stress, and guilt related to potty training my child before he hit grade school (you don't want anyone to think YOUR child is developmentally stunted because he still wears a pull up at 2 years 11 months of age now do you?), once again Kai has shown me the simple truth about parenting. Kids develop. Like kittens. Like puppies. Like ponies. Like worms. Like all living things, kids simply develop like they're supposed to and that's why there's no user's manual. All you have to do is make sure they don't microwave the cat, climb on top of the fridge to get the bubbles (ok, I blew that one), or get in to that really nasty closet under the kitchen sink where all the bad stuff is stored. If you can keep them alive (which can be a challenge as they really try extra hard to kill themselves much of the time), kids simply develop. Better yet, they do it much more effectively if you just leave 'em alone.

Still, I have learned 2 things about potty training boys that I'll share here, although I'm rather distressed by yet another blunt dose of nature's reality as it relates to little boys being of the male species, and thus...uhh...boys. Call me on all my issues. Go ahead. I grew up in a house full of women, with an extended family of women, and only female cousins except for one. What do I know about boys? Well, I discovered what Kai's final motivation was.

After months of sticker bribes, mega sticker books, potty books, 4 different types of potty seats, potty wands, potty dances, bananas as bribes for poops on the potty (Kai wasn't allowed to have bananas unless he'd pooped that day for a bit there because I didn't want him getting constipated again), I discovered 2 things that an almost 3 year old boy will do anything for when it comes to potty training.

First: Access
Kai was used to wearing a bulky pull up. We'd had diaper free weekends before, but we're always out and about on the weekends so when he's home he may be without a diaper for a few hours at a time before I pack us up to go somewhere. This past week though I took off from work. With me being home for 5 days and refusing to go ANYWHERE until my house was clean he ran around naked for 3 solid days and LOVED suddenly having 24/7 access to his wee wee. Seriously. We look at them as our precious little babies, but they are boys. Boys like their wee wees. Very hard realization for me to swallow to be honest because now that he's begun the love affair with his wee wee, and doesn't want to wear a pull up because it blocks access to his wee wee, I'm finding myself constantly saying:
"Kai, do you have to go pee pee?"
"Kai, why are you holding your wee wee?"
"Kai, please don't play with your wee wee while you're eating!"
"Kai, do not make believe you're going tee tee on the cat!"
Etc.

I'm just horrified to be honest, but this was his 1st motivating factor. Ah well.

Second: Big Boy Underpants
After wearing the same pull up for 4 days, Kai and I decide to go shopping for big boy underpants. OMG! After 3 years of little girl clothing envy I've discovered where boy clothing finally gets fun and inspirational. Underpants!

I remember when I moved to undies as a little girl. All we had were day of the week undies. That was it. Pink and white and yellow panties with maybe a bit of lace or a flower. Well. Let me tell you. Little boys undies rock! Kai now has a full assortment of Thomas, Shrek, Sponge Bob, Spider Man, and shark underpants, plus an assortment of whites and grays. If you're trying to get your kid to potty train, bring them shopping for big boy underpants and let them salivate over the Spider Man and Sponge Bob undies. That'll do it.

Kai now spends his mornings poring through his undies to determine what the theme of the day will be. Today was sharks. Shark undies, with his shark t-shirt, and his water shoes with the sharks on them. Sharks. All of it about the underpants. Yesterday was Spider Man. Spiderman underpants, with a huge picture of spider man on his bum (which I had to pick him up so he could look over his shoulder at his bum in the mirror to be sure that spider man was on his bum before I was allowed to dress him, which of course had to be all red and navy blue to match the underpants.)

The night we came home from shopping Kai had to call my sister before he went to bed to tell her all about his underpants. First thing he does when he walks in to his school is to announce his underpants and flash everyone. "Look! I'm wearing Sponge Bob!" Turns out the other boys are now all fighting over who can play with Kai's underpants when they come in from the sprinklers and have to get dressed.

Egad. Who knew?

TIMELINE... Reasons NOT to Give Your Toddler Caffeine

This is about 2 weeks old so the memory is fuzzy...

BUT

5:00 PM... Dinner Time

Kai and I had a series of Mama days due to the Passover holiday falling in the middle of the week. Since I hosted the quasi-seder this year, I stayed home from work giving Kai a whole lot of Mama time. By night 2 we had a fridge full of leftovers and the oportunity for an early dinner, so, I began preparation and asked Kai what he wanted to drink.

"Tea Mama. I want tea."

"OK Baby. You want your tea?", I replied referring to his caffeine free chai tea that he likes to make for himself in the orange shaped ceramic mugs that my sister gave him.

"No Mama. I want green tea."

Now here is where I had a "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!" lapse. For some reason I didn't bat an eye and said, "Sure honey." assuming that green tea was caffeine free as well.

*Editor's note. It is 5:00 in the evening. Bed time is at 8:00*

I make Kai his tea, honey and milk like he likes it, then serve him left over duck and latkes.

5:45 PM... Half an hour later or so

Kai is FLYING around the apartment. At one point he spends 15 minutes running up and down the hall from his room to the living room until he crashes headlong in to the kitchen door frame, bounces off, shakes his head, proceeds to run again.

I begin to chase after him to see if there is any blood or sign of a concussion.

7:00 PM... Bed time ritual begins...or should anyway

After corralling him in his room by force, having thrown him over my shoulder, sat on him to get him changed, and held him down on the potty to pee and poo after the threat to pee on me became a reality, I finally have him convinced that reading books and getting in to bed is a good thing. Book reading time comes. We sit in our blue chair like we do every night, rock back and forth, read books, then get in to bed. Kai sits up. "Mama. I'm not tired." "Well honey" I reply, "I have to go make your lunch for tomorrow. Play with your toys until you get sleepy." I leave for the kitchen to prepare for the next day. Kai spends the next 2 hours getting out of bed, coming in to find me to ask, "Mama, what you doing?"

10:00 PM... Mom has lost her patience and desperately wants to go to bed herself

Finally I threaten to close the door to his room, which of course is an open invitation to a monser mauling from a 2 year old's perspective. Kai whines from his bed, "Mama! I not sleepy!" I reply by telling him to work it out himself, play with his stuffed animals but I'm going to bed and he's not to get out of bed again. Harumph! Stern. Tough. Mean. I sit and listen in on the baby monitor for the next 45 minutes until I FINALLY hear him snoring. I go in, turn out his night light, turn him around in his bed so his head is on the pillow, not his feet, and tuck him in.

11:30 PM

YAY! Finally I can get to bed!

1:00 AM... Sleep walking toddler

I wake up to a Clock Work Orange like torture with Skeezix at my side. Instead of a lollipop there's a stuffed dog, but same image. Half a face, little nose just brimming over the edge of the bed with 2 chubby hands at each side, only one is pulling my eyelids open.

"Mama. I'm awake."

Staggering upwards, I take the drugged up little tyke by the hand, walk him silently back in to his room, tuck him in, and sit. Patiently. Waiting. For him to settle back to sleep. Then I head back to my bed for another attempt at sleep only having 1 hour so far.

4:30 AM... Naked toddler

Please see above at 1:00 AM, only add to the image that Skeezix is now naked. Head to toe, in the buff, pulling my eyelids open, saying, "Mama! I cold!"

"Why did you take your clothes off baby?"

"I was dreaming that I was sick"

"So you took your clothes off?"

"Yeah."

Well OK then! I get up again, get him dressed (at least get a shirt and a diaper back on him), get him in my bed and under the covers where he immediately proceeds to assault me in his attempts to nurse, then do the whirling dervish routine completely unconscious of the fact that he's leaving welts and bruises, let alone cracking ribs with his feet.

5:30 AM... Mom has had 3 hours sleep total.

Finally he sleeps! Unfortunately it's with his face pressed against mine, mouth wide open, snoring. No man has ever survived doing this in my bed, yet here I am in love, once again looking for an alternative solution rather than toss the offender out of the room to fend for himself in sleepless oblivion. I stagger upwards and out in to the void that is our apartment thinking that having a cup of coffee and starting our day is a better alternative to co-sleeping with a caffeine hopped up baby, eye his toddler bed on my way to the kitchen, and fall in to it, blissfully falling in to sleep 6 inches off the ground with my feet dangling to the floor.

8:00 AM... Start our day and OMG! We're late!

Skeezix arrives only towering above me this time, all 36 inches of him a giant to the 6 inch drop of the toddler bed I found my final 2 hours of sleep on. "Mama. Why you in my bed?!" I wan to start our day Mama!" Hands me a yogurt drink to open whining, "Mama! Get up! You're in my bed!"

DO NOT EVER GIVE YOUR CHILD CAFFEINE! THIS IS A WARNING TO YOU ALL!

Kai Part 2 in the boobie logic war that I'm losing badly:

KAI: 1st thing this morning... "Mama, I want to do boobies now"

ME: "It's not time to do boobies now baby."

KAI: "Why?"

ME: "Because it's time for me to go potty, then you to eat breakfast, and for me to have my tea"

1 hour later... I'm sitting in front of the computer with my tea, reading my horoscope. Kai marches in with his bib on and a face full of yogurt...

KAI: Points at the computer monitor with a sneaky smile, "Look! It says time for boobies!"

I'm having horrified visions of nursing a grade schooler... Someone please tell me again that he's really going to just lose interest one day!

Yssa (or Izzy), mom to Kai v.2.5 who is typing with one hand while the lactose vampire is curled up happily in the other arm nursing away

On weaning a 2.5 year old and the logic that you have to combat...

ME: "No more boobies today baby. The milk is all done"

KAI: (Walks in to the kitchen, opens the fridge, comes back in with a half gallon of milk in his hands.) "Here Mama! Drink more milk to fill up the boobies!"

An "UGH! Little boys!" story, or How to Derail Potty Training and All Bodily Functions for that Matter...

Cover your eyes if you've only got a girl...

Kai is potty training, but has recently gone through this phase where he got constipated once so now he's decided that it's associated with the potty.

• Poo poo is stuck in tushy.
• Tushy hurts.
• Poo poo goes in the potty.
• Poo poo won't come out.
• Going poo poo meant a boo boo tushy so hold it in so it won't hurt coming out
• and, oh yeah...
• BAD POTTY!

2 year old logic just as we were at that golden gate of poty training diaper freedom! Noooo!!! Sigh. Now he is refusing to go on the potty, and is holding in his poop for days which is perpetuating the whole constipation issue.

Anyway, he finally pooped this week. This unplugged the cork and led to 2 days of elimination after 3 or 4 days of holding it in. FINALLY I had him diaper free again for a day where he wasn't screaming that he HAD to have his nappy to poop.


OK. So I spend all day with him Sunday, nappy free to air out his bottom, and get him to go on the potty if he has to go since he won't do it on the floor (trying to rebuild positive connections with the potty again).

OK... So...

At one point during the day he was sitting in my lap and, since he's a boy, his hand reaches down to grab his penis simply because that's what it's there for, only it had retracted in to his scrotum all the way.

OMG! He sat there in my lap freaking out because his wee wee was gone. "Mama! Where's my wee wee?! It's gone! It's gone!" grabbing at it trying to pull it out. All it took was standing him upright for everything to fall back in to place where it should be but egad! As if we weren't having enough bodily function difficulties already, now his wee wee, his most prized possession, has up and disappeared on him.

I'll be lucky if he ever goes to the bathroom again.

Post "I Love You" Impact 2-13-2007

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys!
And the food for the feast!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

So once the Grinch's heart grew and grew and grew it became large enough to love more than one...

I don't know what happened in that moment when Kai told me he loved me but I felt a love so big it wrapped round the concept of family. I've been on the fence for so long about having more than one child. For 20 years I believed that I couldn't have more than one because, like my mother, I'd play favorites, and even possibly reject one for the others as she did.

In that moment. That one moment where Kai showed me how to love, I knew my love for all my children would just be bigger, that's all. I'd heard moms say it. Your love gets bigger to make room for more, but I'd never understood. Now I do.

I Love You Mama! 2-10-2007

I love you. 3 words I'd wondered about for a while since I gave birth. I've looked at my toddler of late wondering how the human emotion of love could be initially conceptualized. Wondered how that first statement of love would come about, what the circumstances would be, would he understand, what would it mean. I tell Kai I love him endlessly, especially at night when we're both curled up in his bed just before he falls asleep. "You're such a good boy. I love you more than anything in this world Kai."

Yesterday my musings came to fruition, although not necessarily as I fantasized. Then again, none of Kai's firsts have been as I've fantasized have they? My natural water birth was an emergency C-section, a breach baby, with me hopped up on morphine for 4 days. The dog got the first smile, laugh, word. The babysitter the first steps. Still, each and every moment was better than I dreamed, just with a somewhat comical twist. Yesterday was no different.

It's been cold here in NY. Very cold in the single digits for weeks now so the heat has been on non-stop making the apartment very dry. Because dehydration causes mastitis, joint flare ups, and general ugliness for me, I've been downing glasses of water before bed time to try to remain hydrated. Needless to say, yesterday morning when Kai woke up at 5:00 am and climbed in to bed with me, I was ready to burst. Still, I was in that "I really don't want to get up" desperate to get another half hour place, so I nursed him half awake as my bladder began to scream, "Help me!" It wasn't until about 7:00 that I gave in, as Kai, bored to tears and ready to start his day, began to climb all over me making the dire situation much, much worse.

I climbed out of bed, bent over. I was beyond doing any pee pee dance to save me. I walked knocked kneed to the bathroom with Kai in tow. As he is now potty training, Mama going potty is always a cause for observation and celebration with the finale being, "Mama did a big poop? I wanna flush it!"

As I eased my way on to the seat, the flood came out. It was relief. It was bliss. It was one for the records. My face turned red. My eyes began to water. Tears of relief poured down my face and my beautiful, inquisitive child said, "Mama sad?" "No baby." I said. "But Mama crying." Kai said quizzically. So I explained, as we all try to do in these very real life situations that the child rearing books don't ever explore. "Sometimes when you do a big tee-tee there's so much water in you that some comes out your wee-wee, and some comes out your eyes." I said with no better explanation to offer my 2 year old that he could possibly understand. "Not crying?" he asked. "No baby." I said. "Mama's fine. Here, touch my face." I offered him the opportunity to feel my tears and see me smile, then we went on with our morning after he ceremoniously flushed the potty diligently, watched and waved as it all went bye-bye.

About half an hour later, after I'd made my tea and gotten Kai his breakfast, I was at my desk checking e-mail. Kai came in and attached himself to my leg. As he is 2 years old and typically attached to any random body part at any given time of the day I didn't pay much attention until he quite indignantly said, "Mama! I hugged you!" I stopped typing immediately realizing the faux-pas on my part, and bent down to hug him back saying, "You did!" To which he replied, "Yeah. I love you Mama", then sheepishly scooted to the doorway.

I was stunned. Not sure of what I'd heard I asked him, "Did you just tell me you loved me?" "Yeah" was the bashful reply, then, "Mama not sad any more? Kai loves Mama. No more crying."

I almost fell over. I felt in that moment what the Grinch must have felt when his heart grew, and grew, and grew, until it was 10 times it's size. Pain and bliss of a heart expanding beyond the bounds of the body holding it. Not only had he said it, he understood it's meaning and had used it in an act of compassion to try to heal me. I still don't know how a 2 year old could grasp all of that encapsulated in such a simple form. I just know. My son loves me, and for once, I got a first.

Today he told the dog he loved her, but he told me first.