What do Mama's Boobies Taste Like?

I foolishly asked my son lovingly while he nursed before bed time this evening.

he giggled, lifted his head for a second and chirped, "doggie poops!" then went back to the boob.

Having a "Kill the Child" Evening... - Entry for June 28, 2006

So tomorrow is my interview with the COO of the business unit making the job offer. Basically, it's the final interview that I have to nail, and of course, Kai's baby radar for demolition has gone off. This evening has taken twice as long to get through our night, which was ok until I got him
ready for bed...

He had taken a 24 ounce sports bottle of water (I generally keep 2 of them on my night stand in case either of us need water in the night. I always go through it by morning), opened it up and poured it out on the bed and all the pillows, then stacked everything in a pile on top of the puddle with the water bottle buried at the bottom of all the pillows so I wouldn't "see" it. Well, I didn't, until I went to straighten out the bed to sleep in.

Now I suppose I should be thankful that it was only water. He could have opened up his bottles and poured rice milk all over the bed (while he's weaning he's been asking for rice milk because it tastes like breast milk), or he could have just peed all over it, which is always a possibility since he's potty training and refusing to keep his nappy on any longer. The wet bed I can deal with because it's on his side ;^) He can sleep on a towel tonight, but all the pillows were SOAKED. I mean, unsleepable. And they're all either memory foam or down, neither of which will ever dry well or can go in the dryer. I've now got to sleep without a pillow the night before my final interview.

This is a kill the child moment. He is sooooo lucky he's learned how to kiss me this week. While I was lecturing him on not pouring things on the bed, he giggled and kissed my nose. I swear, baby cuteness is a survival mechanism.

POO TRAUMA

As everyone can tell from the hundreds of photos I take of him, Kai spends a good part of his life in footed bunny sleepers. Fleece ones. Nice warm, hermetically sealed, fleece bunny sleepers. They're warm, and soft, and just perfect for baking a cake in. This morning Kai woke up like any other morning, had his yo-baby in a sippy cup, some cheerios, raisins, a banana, juice, his normal roaming around the house breakfast while he played with his trains. At about 10:00 am I noticed the huge lump at his knee. Now I normally change him when he gets up, but I'm sick. Really sick. I've been bed ridden for 2 weeks just about, so I'm moving slow. For the most part, I've been bringing him to daycare and letting them deal with the diaper in the morning, so this morning I was a bit remiss in not changing him immediately. I had no idea what this minor error in judgment would turn in to.

So. At 10:00 I see the lump, huge lump, wadded up diaper looking lump, at his left knee. Of course I snatch up the little guy and realize his diaper has come off in his hermetically sealed pj's. Normally he only pees in the morning and doesn't typically poo until 5:00 pm sharp. He's like old faithful that way. Well. Not today. Not. Today. Today I unzip his jammies, rather amusing that his diaper had fallen off, to find that he had poo-ed this morning. He had poo-ed, his diaper had come off in his hermetically sealed, bake a cake in me, fleece jammies, and he'd been allowed to march around the house in it for 2 whole hours. Needless to say, I unzipped him to find him bathed from the arm pits down to his toes in poo. I'm not kidding. He was covered literally head to toe in the nastiest, biggest, stinkiest , encrusted poo I've ever seen. Yesterday he was at daycare and for one of those rare days I didn't prepare his lunch for him and let him eat their food. I can only imagine what the hell he ate. I had no way to peel his clothes off and clean him. I finally got him naked and somewhat wiped off, but half of it was baked on to his skin, so I carried him arms length in to the bathroom and dropped him in the sink.

I'm traumatized. This was something out of a horror novel. I had to throw out his pajamas. I was retching for the first time changing his diaper. I just had to share this terrifying experience.

EAR INFECTIONS

they say that a toddler doesn't understand that his mother isn't an exension of himself. Well, I beg to differ. If I were an extension of Kai in his perception of me, he wouldn't be waking up every morning for the past 3 day and giving me a firm slap across the face. Boy! Is he angry with me. His whole little face gets this scrunched up pissed off look and he slaps me, first thing in the morning. As far as he's concerned, the ear infection he's been dealing with all week is my fault and therefore I need to be slapped. I really feel sorry for him. He's been in a lot of pain. It's something to see him angry though. I mean, you have to marvel at the development of intent and emotion in a child that only a few months ago didn't know anything beyond crying to get a response. Now he's very aware of me as an individual whom he thinks is causing him pain. SLAP!

BEARS

We've been going to the Museum of Natural History every Sunday since Kai started walking. I take him through the mamal exhibit over to the whale room. The first time we went I thought his head would explode from excitement. He started running from one exhibit to another asking em what the animal's names were "This?!" Once I told him, he'd repeat it (to the best of his ability, "beas! (bears) moo! (moose) wa! (walk) but! (pushed the buttons in the space area downstairs), then run to the next one and do it again. The big thing on his agenda though is the bears. There is one exhibit with a bear that has to be over 10 feet tall, paws up, it just looks so impressive. He's obsessed with the bear and just keeps saying BEAS BEAS BEAS! until we get there. After the first day we went he started dreaming, laughing, and talking in his sleep! OMG! It's sooooo adorable! He did it for 2 nights in a row. The other night he started giggling in his sleep, pointed at something (his eyes were shut and he was asleep) and said "This!" It was adorable! Next night he just started laughing in his sleep. Oh! I love my little creature so much. The best one was about 3 nights ago he woke up at 4:00 a.m. sat up in bed, looked right at me, put his hands over his head, and roared at me "RAAAA!" It would have been even funnier if it wasn't 4 am, but it was still pretty hysterical, only I then had to convince him to go back to sleep instead of talking endlessly about the bears again.

POOP AND SIGN

this morning Kai got up to play. about an hour in to play time, he crawled over to his dresser/hanging table, pulled himself up, turned completely red in the face as he squeezed out a big ol' baby poo, then pointed at his changing table and did the sign for diaper change! First time in a month at least where I had a happy camper allowing me to change his diaper and not try to swan dive off the table flinging poop everywhere

A DOG'S TAIL

So, Kai is becoming a self propelled being as of this week. He's sitting up unsupported, grabbing at everything and anything he can, lunging at anything that looks interesting, and is doing a military crawl, but can only spin in circles at the moment.

You've got the picture. Basically he's starting to get himself in trouble.

I think I've told everyone about a million times about how I have a bouncy chair in the bathroom so I've got a place to put Kai while I do my business, shower, brush my teeth, etc... Now, Camille has this horrible tendency to use Kai's time in the bouncy chair as a moment to torture the baby while he's essentially a prisoner. Normally she'll walk over to Kai and slurp his face while Kai tries valiantly to defend himself from the dog's enormous tongue. Of course as soon as Camille even looks like she's going to begin this I intervene, but sometimes she sneak attacks and gets a few good licks in before I can chase her away. Once she's done with that, or if I've derailed her intentions before she can get to licking, she turns around and positions herself in such a way that her tail, while wagging profusely, whacks the baby across the head repetitively. This give Camille much satisfaction having been booted down the totem pole to being just a dog after spending the first 8 years of her life as my baby.

WELL. This morning everything changed. We went in to the bathroom to do what we do, and as usual, Camille followed us in. Kai, as if predicting the morning's halitosis onslaught, had grabbed his hand clapper toy and gave Camille a good WHAP across the nose, then laughed. Camille, stunned for an instant at the baby suddenly taking up self defense turned around to me with a look of "What do I do now?", and in doing so, positioned herself for stage 2 of her morning's baby torture. Now, I have cautiously allowed the 2 of them to interact since Kai was born, letting them both work out their boundaries and setting the rules as we've gone along, so I sat still and continued to watch, prepared to jump in if necessary, but rather fascinated at what happened next. As Camille stood, going "whap, whap, whap" with her tail across Kai's little head, Kai looked up at me cautiously as if to say, "Mommy, I know you may not like what I'm about to do, but it is necessary so take a deep breath and let me do what I have to do here." He raised up his little hand and slowly and grabbed Camille's tail. I held my breath as so wisely advised by my son. Camille, stunned by the baby's audacity turned. What happened then seemed like it took an eternity, but only lasted an instant in which I swear, I could read the psychic subtitles of thought exchanged between them. They began to stare at each other with such an intensity. No hostility. No aggression. They simply came to an agreement in that moment. Kai, very clearly told Camille, "Excuse me doggie. I love you very much, but you need to cut the crap, ok?" To which Camille replied, "Yeah, all right, but if you pull my tail any harder, we're going to have words about it." At which point Kai let go of Camille's tail, Camille walked over to me, laid down at my feet with a "Humph", and that was the end of that.

KITTY LOVE

i am sitting on my couch nursing kai wit a cat laying on top of him while he pets the cat very gently ;^) we ar a piled up bundle. kai keeps nursing, petting the cat, and randomly letting out little giggles

INFANT EQUIVOCATION

Kai's fascination with being doggie #2 has started getting totally out of hand. In particular, I can't do very much to keep him out of the dogs food and water bowls. It's really disgusting but I swear, 10 times a day I have to chase him out of the kitchen. He knows that he's not allowed, and will even lie to me about it now. NOW you may say, "But how in the world can a 14 month old child lie to you?!" Well, let me tell you. Yesterday I caught him heading towards the dogs water bowl. Half way across the kitchen I yelled at him to stop, "Kai! No doggie bowl!" What does my adorable, innocent, and totally dishonest child who can not talk yet do? He holds up the book he was carrying and points at the dog! "Mama! I'm bringing doggie my book! I wasn't even thinking about the doggie's water bowl! Honest!" SO I look at him sternly, point at the living room, and tell him quite firmly to get out of the kitchen, which he begrudgingly does after trying one more time to convince me that his real motives are to read the dog a book who just so happens to be minding her own business eating kibble. 2 minutes or so later I turned my back and that little beast (the baby not the dog) was in the dogs water bowl splashing up a storm! While this is totally adorable, and I can imagine completely irresistible to him to have this big bowl of water on the floor to play with, it's just gross. Not only that, but the second his hand touches the water it turns red in reaction to all the dog and cat backwash that's been sitting in that bowl all day, if not all week. That's just his hand. Sometimes he totally gets himself soaked before I can get to him. AHHHH!!!!! UGH!!!!! I've tried everything from speaking sternly, to yelling "No Doggie Bowl!" constantly, to giving him time outs (which I must say are rather effective in other circumstances because he hates being put behind any baby gate even if it is for only 60 seconds). Nothing has worked so I've started the hand squeezing rule to see if I can find some way to get my point across.

Now before everyone tears in to me about this, I was watching Kai with the cat. She's amazingly tolerant all things considered, but she does have her limit with him and when she gets there she'll whack him on the hand. I was watching this the other day and to my surprise he can predict her now. She was on the couch, he came over to her and started getting very wild and abusive. She looked at him and raised her paw and he STOPPED. Stopped cold in his tracks and looked at her rather cautiously, then when she put her paw down he began to pet her nicely. She's got him well trained so I decided that if my cat can do it and it works, I need to find something similar without doing him harm since nothing else is working. Every time I catch him in the dogs bowl I've been taking the hand that is actually in the water so there is no mistaking my intent and squeezing it hard once while saying "No doggie bowl!" Then I proceed to clean him thoroughly of dog and cat germs. Euch! I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this considering that my dog spends most of her existence licking my son's face, but still. Anyway, it's working. Kai is stopping short of the bowl, looks wistfully at it and points at it, but isn't going in.

This morning he tried a new strategy on both me and his nanny. He's got a toy train that when he pushes it's smoke stack it plays a song ad drives forward about 3 feet. This morning while I was getting ready for work and Mimi was preparing his breakfast he brought his train in to the kitchen, pointed it at the dogs water bowl, and pushed the smoke stack. The train headed straight for the water bowl, the baby tore off after the train, Mimi and I stood astounded and laughing while the train stopped, and Kai turned around to us, sat up and pointed at his train up against the water bowl as if to say, "I didn't do it! The train came here by itself! Can I play now?" It was hysterical, but I feel bad. I'm thinking I should give him a bowl of water to play with on the bathroom floor at night or something since he loves it so much. We'll see.

THE ALL PURPOSE BREAST

Kai has found a new purpose for the boobs. Since he's been sick all week and nursing non-stop my milk production has gone through the roof. Basically I'm lugging around melons again which I must say isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. I'm stunned that I didn't ever notice this when he was an infant. This is awful. The side effect is that I'm engorged a bit. Kai discovered just about 10 minutes ago that if he squeezes my breasts they squirt. AHHH! He squirted the cat in the head (who was sitting on the couch next to us) so now all he wants to do is squeeze my breasts to squirt the cat in the head again. This is a rather unsettling development to the all purpose nature of the breast as a pacifier and all around plaything. As I'm typing I'm actually defending myself from this little demon who is trying to juice me. HELP! There is no way to descibe the image of a toddler coming at you with a pincer grip aimed at your nipple...

SIGN LANGUAGE

Kai's been pretty sick this week which has led to a few interesting developments in general.

I've been teaching him sign language since he was 8 months old. So all those months of teaching Kai how to sign have fully paid off as of yesterday. He's been sick all week, but nothing major until Friday when he was just a train wreck. He just looked like a mess all day and spent most of it either sleeping, crying, or nursing. He was refusing all food and only wanted to nurse. Saturday he woke up crying so I figured he had a sore throat and asked him if he had a boo boo in his mouth. He immediately stopped crying and did the sign for boo boo by his ear! He told me he had an ear ache so I got him to the doctor immediately and sure enough he had an ear infection starting!

Now while I'm really sad that he was in pain and had the infection to begin with, I'm over the moon about the fact that he was able to tell me so clearly and specifically what was wrong! I wouldn't have had a clue otherwise and the ear infection would have gotten much worse before I thought to bring him in to the doctor.

Yay Kai!

Sharing the Breasts

I am now required to nurse all of Kai's stuffed animals before he is satisfied enough to go to sleep. Unfortunately, it's my fault. He's got a stuffed alligator hand puppet that I was messing around with last week. He was nursing and I was playing with the puppet, making believe it was nursing on the other breast, then having it try to displace him. Now every time we do nap time, not only do I have to nurse the alligator, but every bloody stuffed animal in proximity. At one point this morning I had his stuffed dragon on one breast and the alligator on the other and a little boy reaching for more toys to stick on my breasts. I guess in one sense it's a sign that he's learning to share ;^)